OF YOU.
I can't help bottling down more of these emotions anymore.
Deactivated everything to just keep myself out of this place.
x
Monday, December 10
Friday, November 30
With my heart &no regrets.
Hello!
Once again, I lied about my own feelings and all. I procrastinate a lot these days when I clearly know that my time is running out! The worst scenario I can ever have in my head right now is repeating the subjects that I have in this semester &of course, I wouldn't want that picture to come true. It's just the laziness engulfing me slowly, knowing that it keeps me away from getting back in track to whatever I am supposed to be doing for now.
I do not have anything inspired me to talk about this time, but I just have this really one question running in schemes in my head. Yes, my head is pretty tiny but it contains this really big mind okay! Now, input this question in your mind, why would we have expectations in people that we do care for or most probably the person we love?
It's such a overused statement that often seen in Tumblr, social networking sites, &one of the highest 'likes' of heartbreaking quotes. Have anyone ever get through that phase? Allow me to state my personal POV. It's actually an 'everyday' phenomenon to everyone here, as long as you're a living soul and you're still breathing in oxygen, and you do have a functional brain, I am quite assured you are. How does this actually happens? We are not going to get there (what, who, which, how, when). What's the point like pushing all these faults to others when in the first place, you place yourself in such a state wanting the other sides to show you more. Sometimes, what you gave might not be what you will be getting. This is the hardest lesson I guess everyone should just bear that in mind, this might sounds shallow, at least you do know I'm making a lot of sense about that.
So many times, I heard from this &that, regarding how friendships grow apart and relationships that did not make it through often boil down to the same issue. Despite knowing fairness do not really exist in most of everything that relates to human relationships and especially when they are bind with the special bond, like siblings and family. I also do agree that what the old folks would always nag and lecture at us; the young kids especially. In life, not every single matter and feeling got to be black and white, plenty of them are in grey areas and some are better not sorted out. It feels so much like, you really want to find out about some stuffs/problems/issues, and at the end of the day, you found out about it &you regret for making such a move. Hence, that's when certain issues and words are just better left unsaid &maybe some stories are just better untold.
I do not even know when I started to behave in such manner. How badly-behaved have you been?
Not in 'that' manner, but picking up life lessons as I'm getting older and pursuing my interest, I hate to admit though, it suckballs for real. Believe it or not larh, we just tend to have expectations in the people we care for regardless of what matters inside you.
All of these 3 scenarios mentioned, think again. When you have that in mind, you hold a certain expectations on them, and when they barely show that they care, you're asking for it, digging your own well of tears. On a side note, perhaps one thing you can only do is, care when you do - with your heart & no regrets.
imy,p//
Once again, I lied about my own feelings and all. I procrastinate a lot these days when I clearly know that my time is running out! The worst scenario I can ever have in my head right now is repeating the subjects that I have in this semester &of course, I wouldn't want that picture to come true. It's just the laziness engulfing me slowly, knowing that it keeps me away from getting back in track to whatever I am supposed to be doing for now.
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| SO CUTE RIGHTTTT?! ^^v |
Expectations often lead to disappointments.
It's such a overused statement that often seen in Tumblr, social networking sites, &one of the highest 'likes' of heartbreaking quotes. Have anyone ever get through that phase? Allow me to state my personal POV. It's actually an 'everyday' phenomenon to everyone here, as long as you're a living soul and you're still breathing in oxygen, and you do have a functional brain, I am quite assured you are. How does this actually happens? We are not going to get there (what, who, which, how, when). What's the point like pushing all these faults to others when in the first place, you place yourself in such a state wanting the other sides to show you more. Sometimes, what you gave might not be what you will be getting. This is the hardest lesson I guess everyone should just bear that in mind, this might sounds shallow, at least you do know I'm making a lot of sense about that.
So many times, I heard from this &that, regarding how friendships grow apart and relationships that did not make it through often boil down to the same issue. Despite knowing fairness do not really exist in most of everything that relates to human relationships and especially when they are bind with the special bond, like siblings and family. I also do agree that what the old folks would always nag and lecture at us; the young kids especially. In life, not every single matter and feeling got to be black and white, plenty of them are in grey areas and some are better not sorted out. It feels so much like, you really want to find out about some stuffs/problems/issues, and at the end of the day, you found out about it &you regret for making such a move. Hence, that's when certain issues and words are just better left unsaid &maybe some stories are just better untold.
I do not even know when I started to behave in such manner. How badly-behaved have you been?
Not in 'that' manner, but picking up life lessons as I'm getting older and pursuing my interest, I hate to admit though, it suckballs for real. Believe it or not larh, we just tend to have expectations in the people we care for regardless of what matters inside you.
- When you want to hang out with your friends pretty late at night, you expect them to feel the same and probably, you might also wish that they will extend their curfew hours.
- What intrigues you may not feel the same for others. You adore something/someone so much, like really heaps and tonnes of admiration for it/him/her, do NOT ever expect your own close friends to have the same thoughts like you.
- You may have try and work really hard to earn their attention. Always remember that's your definition of trying really hard, others do not feel a single bit at all although you poured in all of your effort, gave you 101% best and etc.
All of these 3 scenarios mentioned, think again. When you have that in mind, you hold a certain expectations on them, and when they barely show that they care, you're asking for it, digging your own well of tears. On a side note, perhaps one thing you can only do is, care when you do - with your heart & no regrets.
imy,p//
Tuesday, November 27
Will be back
Rain drops keep falling on my roof, I can smell the 'rain' (ykno like those breeze, the rainy rain kind) despite that I caught such a bad cold bug. Well, I made a promise to myself to start writing again, at least kick start with just a really short note, but the medicine starts kicking in. On the side note, doctor said that I should really start getting enough of rest or my system couldn't do any further. HE SCARES THE SHYT OUTVE MAMA CHANG JUST NOW & >:'(
&am really so thankful that she tries to understand how much of pressure and workloads I'm dealing with lately &the last thing she can only ask for, ensuring I have my meals punctually. -___- (I wished that doctor only reveals what he should tell only instead of telling my family everything, walaoeh)
There's so many things to do and yet so little time to spare. I can't even do anything right at all at this moment. Judging by the rate of what I've been doing for almost all, I'm on the verge of giving it all up and yet probably just wish for a zombie apocalypse and save my ass slamming my face to the wall.
I can't stand this any longer *pulls hair*
I need to sleep. xx
&am really so thankful that she tries to understand how much of pressure and workloads I'm dealing with lately &the last thing she can only ask for, ensuring I have my meals punctually. -___- (I wished that doctor only reveals what he should tell only instead of telling my family everything, walaoeh)
There's so many things to do and yet so little time to spare. I can't even do anything right at all at this moment. Judging by the rate of what I've been doing for almost all, I'm on the verge of giving it all up and yet probably just wish for a zombie apocalypse and save my ass slamming my face to the wall.
I can't stand this any longer *pulls hair*
I need to sleep. xx
Sunday, August 5
Banana leaf &laziness
Hello boys and girls.
It's been so long since I last blog about anything. To be precise, I have not actually consider writing or listing down any of my thoughts until I am finally done with my finals, like one week ago. Eh no. It was just few days back, 4 days ago since the cocks are going to sing their cuckoo soon. Pun-intended by the way, if you do get my lameness. *winks.
How have everyone been so far, it's the beginning of August and almost reaching quarter of the year left, before we going to another chapter, different year ahead, different stories, other shyts happen and cool memories created. I remembered once, someone wise told me - Actually, everyone moves forward, and those we really choose to stay stationary at one point of time, because they refused to or either, they are making excuses to proceed and accept what's going to happen next and the tomorrows. Having second thoughts about what she had thrown to me in my face, it gives me a shivers considering I'm already 20 this year and the TWO is slowly going to affect me in most ways, my family, studies, friends and career. Is this really where I want to go or just stay with whatever I have right now, to go with the flow or not?
See, every single time when I have my semester break or when I'm too free (nothing to do, no work loads and assignments) I tend to over think &over analyse every single details, like bits of every happenings and how did the consequences affect me in times to come, what about my life, my family and friends, the people I care and all? Would they actually judge me in the different way based on my own decisions and actions that I have took? Do all these worth the risk and could I actually bear with the consequences I'm about to face later on?
One whole paragraph, being paranoid. Oh fuck, no good.
But look, the grass is always greener on the other side. I feel so contented and once again, learning and picking up lessons in life - like a happy child listening to stories from those grandma and grandpa. You know why, most of my girlfriends are actually settling down and they finally found their soul mate. Eh, I'm not too sure if their THE one, happens to be REALLY soul mate or their partner in years to come, if they are planning to tie a knot at the end of this year, IF only but at least I'm truly happy for them. *throw blessings at these lovebirds*
I'm very generous with blessings okay, as long as you happy, my happiness content will be doubled. I actually thought of like writing one whole long post about the birthday dinner I just attended just now, but I think I should hit the sack now, then I will have a legit reason for myself to write about the dinner the next day. When is the next day? No words and promises on that. wtf, I have always been giving myself excuses to procrastinate which what I'm supposed to do, but keep delayed or postponing them. That's really bad, imagine one day if my own child wants me to buy her diapers but I'm too lazy to get outve my house. I probably give her banana leaf and asked her to use it.
It's been so long since I last blog about anything. To be precise, I have not actually consider writing or listing down any of my thoughts until I am finally done with my finals, like one week ago. Eh no. It was just few days back, 4 days ago since the cocks are going to sing their cuckoo soon. Pun-intended by the way, if you do get my lameness. *winks.
How have everyone been so far, it's the beginning of August and almost reaching quarter of the year left, before we going to another chapter, different year ahead, different stories, other shyts happen and cool memories created. I remembered once, someone wise told me - Actually, everyone moves forward, and those we really choose to stay stationary at one point of time, because they refused to or either, they are making excuses to proceed and accept what's going to happen next and the tomorrows. Having second thoughts about what she had thrown to me in my face, it gives me a shivers considering I'm already 20 this year and the TWO is slowly going to affect me in most ways, my family, studies, friends and career. Is this really where I want to go or just stay with whatever I have right now, to go with the flow or not?
See, every single time when I have my semester break or when I'm too free (nothing to do, no work loads and assignments) I tend to over think &over analyse every single details, like bits of every happenings and how did the consequences affect me in times to come, what about my life, my family and friends, the people I care and all? Would they actually judge me in the different way based on my own decisions and actions that I have took? Do all these worth the risk and could I actually bear with the consequences I'm about to face later on?
One whole paragraph, being paranoid. Oh fuck, no good.
But look, the grass is always greener on the other side. I feel so contented and once again, learning and picking up lessons in life - like a happy child listening to stories from those grandma and grandpa. You know why, most of my girlfriends are actually settling down and they finally found their soul mate. Eh, I'm not too sure if their THE one, happens to be REALLY soul mate or their partner in years to come, if they are planning to tie a knot at the end of this year, IF only but at least I'm truly happy for them. *throw blessings at these lovebirds*
I'm very generous with blessings okay, as long as you happy, my happiness content will be doubled. I actually thought of like writing one whole long post about the birthday dinner I just attended just now, but I think I should hit the sack now, then I will have a legit reason for myself to write about the dinner the next day. When is the next day? No words and promises on that. wtf, I have always been giving myself excuses to procrastinate which what I'm supposed to do, but keep delayed or postponing them. That's really bad, imagine one day if my own child wants me to buy her diapers but I'm too lazy to get outve my house. I probably give her banana leaf and asked her to use it.
Saturday, June 2
Part 1 : You want someone nice?
The title says it all. Everyone wants to get a nice girl or a nice guy, you don't say right? But it's just not as easy as it sounds, just within snaps of finger and you'll find the ultimate girl in your life or the prince charming you've waited all these while. Oh well, some lucky ones may have probably found their, happily married, settled down with their beautiful kids and also, flipping to the next chapter in life.
Spent about 30 minutes watching WongFu Production a re-release video, Just A Nice Guy (2007) - Notice how much they have changed in 5 years time. If you have not watch the video, spare yourself some good 30 minutes watching the video. Now you'll start thinking abruptly of how much you wanted that someone so badly, and yet it's just not bound to be. Often you'll see how two souls become one; they blossomed from a simple tie, friendship. And the friend kin that you may have within one another, of course it could be of anyone that you just probably met from the bar. OKAYH, maybe not the bar, perhaps the gym or clubhouse. That sounds much convincing...
Anyways, it starts from friendship and it would eventually develops some sort of like.... I would love to call that affections in the beginning. Yes, you would most probably looking forward to text him everyday, calling him once every two days (not too often, if you're one of the shy ones like me) and perhaps, giving it a try like asking him out. Now these all sound familiar to you? I'm pretty sure everyone been that, done that. AND? That affections likely have chances to blossom into some bigger fire, which I meant sparks, that generate more interest in you as for getting to know that guy in depth, if only he's willing to open up to you and letting you know more about what's yes and what's not in his personal thoughts. Though as tricky as it may sounds, the chances for this to happen is possible, just as rare as you may find a diamond at the beach.
Nice guys finish last. Ah, this saying goes viral everywhere, and you better gotta agree with me. WHAT ABOUT NICE GIRLS FINISH LAST? It's not gonna be some sexist-debate in this entire post but there are still some nice chicks out there, still holding firm to their grounds that knights in shining armor do exist in reality. *blows away cotton-candy white-bluish clouds*
Do these sound familiar? Plenty of them! Nice girls or nice guys, they only believe that, as long as they do good, everything would just turn good and be good miraculously. Agree? It's not about the saying or anyone's perception on that matter, it's just their subjective that they are just born this way or maybe they are just inject with more humanity's juices in their heads which allow them to do good at all time with no costs. If you have pay attention to the details of the video mentioned above, sometimes nice guys or nice girls are just insensitive or blunt! They do not drop subtle hints at all to the one that they really care for, especially the one they want. (It's not easy kayh?)
It's just so frustrating. & I need to get a shower and continue this again, in the next post! x
Spent about 30 minutes watching WongFu Production a re-release video, Just A Nice Guy (2007) - Notice how much they have changed in 5 years time. If you have not watch the video, spare yourself some good 30 minutes watching the video. Now you'll start thinking abruptly of how much you wanted that someone so badly, and yet it's just not bound to be. Often you'll see how two souls become one; they blossomed from a simple tie, friendship. And the friend kin that you may have within one another, of course it could be of anyone that you just probably met from the bar. OKAYH, maybe not the bar, perhaps the gym or clubhouse. That sounds much convincing...
Anyways, it starts from friendship and it would eventually develops some sort of like.... I would love to call that affections in the beginning. Yes, you would most probably looking forward to text him everyday, calling him once every two days (not too often, if you're one of the shy ones like me) and perhaps, giving it a try like asking him out. Now these all sound familiar to you? I'm pretty sure everyone been that, done that. AND? That affections likely have chances to blossom into some bigger fire, which I meant sparks, that generate more interest in you as for getting to know that guy in depth, if only he's willing to open up to you and letting you know more about what's yes and what's not in his personal thoughts. Though as tricky as it may sounds, the chances for this to happen is possible, just as rare as you may find a diamond at the beach.
Nice guys finish last. Ah, this saying goes viral everywhere, and you better gotta agree with me. WHAT ABOUT NICE GIRLS FINISH LAST? It's not gonna be some sexist-debate in this entire post but there are still some nice chicks out there, still holding firm to their grounds that knights in shining armor do exist in reality. *blows away cotton-candy white-bluish clouds*
Do these sound familiar? Plenty of them! Nice girls or nice guys, they only believe that, as long as they do good, everything would just turn good and be good miraculously. Agree? It's not about the saying or anyone's perception on that matter, it's just their subjective that they are just born this way or maybe they are just inject with more humanity's juices in their heads which allow them to do good at all time with no costs. If you have pay attention to the details of the video mentioned above, sometimes nice guys or nice girls are just insensitive or blunt! They do not drop subtle hints at all to the one that they really care for, especially the one they want. (It's not easy kayh?)
It's just so frustrating. & I need to get a shower and continue this again, in the next post! x
Tuesday, March 13
Part One
Just so little I do realized, before I could notice all these changes in myself, after these walls that I'd built against everyone that tends to enter my obscure realm; the place where I choose to spill my thoughts and let the words speak the thoughts in my head.
The tiny soul of mine wrecked a little when I decided to put some trust in someone &they will never ever failed to disappoint me. I got to be honest here, I never really be bothered to blog about my thoughts anymore, shut myself outve the world when Ive to deal with an issue, it just often cross my mind that everyone deals with their shizz, why would they be bothered about yours now, at this moment - when you're helpless and in need of just a pair of ears to hear &a warm cuddle? But always be reminded, you're nobody and nothing at all. That's when I couldn't do anything but just help myself up, lend myself a helping hand, when pillows are gonna be your pair of ears, the warm cuddle over the cold starry nights.
It's all that you can count on when things fall apart; in a way that you couldn't even tell what's right and wrong. Or perhaps, I'm just too insensitive to notice everything that happen around me. Unfortunately, when I'm too busy forking out all my attention to the wrong people, never little I do realized Ive also given most of my love to the undeserved ones; till someone has to knock some senses into my head &repeated those sentences gazillion times till it finally imprinted, a big smack in my face. How would anyone else actually defines the relationship between two souls? And what brings them together - feelings, commitment, lust, benefits, and sometimes... friendships?
Well, in my opinion of a ideal relationship, I wouldn't say anything close to perfect, but just what's right and appropriate in the definition of being in a relationship is definitely when two souls are bonded together regardless of their flaws, one might be loud and addictive while the another half, he/she could be pretty shy and less-happening. This always gets me to the saying, "Opposite attracts". My two cents do whispers silently to my heart, he does not have to be the best looking guy down the street; he could be just wearing a plain top, any ugly-checkered pants, &slipped on a pair of flip flops, and wearing his beautiful smile. That also got me wondering what is just so attractive behind that smile, the warm-blooded skin, might just be the big heart - his personality. Not forgetting his signature hair, the fidgeting body when adrenaline rushed into his bloodstream, butterflies dancing in the tummy whenever I call out his name. How do I know all of these? Because we, girls feel the same way too when guys do that to us. Every single time, he never fails to make my heart skipped a beat or took my breathe away even the slightest gesture which practically meant nothing at all, but meant the whole entire universe to me. It's just that amazing.
Relationship requires lots of time, effort and of course, commitment. Whoever that tells commitment will come as long as you start a relationship is a plain bullshyt. It doesn't come naturally but takes up a lot of perseverance and endurance, how they tolerate &accept one &another flaws. It's not going to be easy, but nothing comes easy. Nobody would eventually appreciate this if everything comes as easy as snapping a finger. Commitment is a big word, but most people have mislead this word with the definition of forever. So, it's just merely "happily ever after, loving you always &forever". Can you see the difference, in most of how many couples that actually make it to that stage, you can kindly read this now, and do reply my post 50 years later &tell me you're still counting on with your another half. It's all about the promise that you choose to make once you start to be committed into a relationship, the trust and bond both souls built together are the one that make things last, it's hard to build them, it's even harder to maintain them.
It's time to go bed. I'll blog about the part two of my thoughts.
Goodnight. xx
The tiny soul of mine wrecked a little when I decided to put some trust in someone &they will never ever failed to disappoint me. I got to be honest here, I never really be bothered to blog about my thoughts anymore, shut myself outve the world when Ive to deal with an issue, it just often cross my mind that everyone deals with their shizz, why would they be bothered about yours now, at this moment - when you're helpless and in need of just a pair of ears to hear &a warm cuddle? But always be reminded, you're nobody and nothing at all. That's when I couldn't do anything but just help myself up, lend myself a helping hand, when pillows are gonna be your pair of ears, the warm cuddle over the cold starry nights.
It's all that you can count on when things fall apart; in a way that you couldn't even tell what's right and wrong. Or perhaps, I'm just too insensitive to notice everything that happen around me. Unfortunately, when I'm too busy forking out all my attention to the wrong people, never little I do realized Ive also given most of my love to the undeserved ones; till someone has to knock some senses into my head &repeated those sentences gazillion times till it finally imprinted, a big smack in my face. How would anyone else actually defines the relationship between two souls? And what brings them together - feelings, commitment, lust, benefits, and sometimes... friendships?
Well, in my opinion of a ideal relationship, I wouldn't say anything close to perfect, but just what's right and appropriate in the definition of being in a relationship is definitely when two souls are bonded together regardless of their flaws, one might be loud and addictive while the another half, he/she could be pretty shy and less-happening. This always gets me to the saying, "Opposite attracts". My two cents do whispers silently to my heart, he does not have to be the best looking guy down the street; he could be just wearing a plain top, any ugly-checkered pants, &slipped on a pair of flip flops, and wearing his beautiful smile. That also got me wondering what is just so attractive behind that smile, the warm-blooded skin, might just be the big heart - his personality. Not forgetting his signature hair, the fidgeting body when adrenaline rushed into his bloodstream, butterflies dancing in the tummy whenever I call out his name. How do I know all of these? Because we, girls feel the same way too when guys do that to us. Every single time, he never fails to make my heart skipped a beat or took my breathe away even the slightest gesture which practically meant nothing at all, but meant the whole entire universe to me. It's just that amazing.
Relationship requires lots of time, effort and of course, commitment. Whoever that tells commitment will come as long as you start a relationship is a plain bullshyt. It doesn't come naturally but takes up a lot of perseverance and endurance, how they tolerate &accept one &another flaws. It's not going to be easy, but nothing comes easy. Nobody would eventually appreciate this if everything comes as easy as snapping a finger. Commitment is a big word, but most people have mislead this word with the definition of forever. So, it's just merely "happily ever after, loving you always &forever". Can you see the difference, in most of how many couples that actually make it to that stage, you can kindly read this now, and do reply my post 50 years later &tell me you're still counting on with your another half. It's all about the promise that you choose to make once you start to be committed into a relationship, the trust and bond both souls built together are the one that make things last, it's hard to build them, it's even harder to maintain them.
It's time to go bed. I'll blog about the part two of my thoughts.
Goodnight. xx
Friday, January 13
Before I talk about Belly
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| Y_U_NO KNOW BELLEEENOTBELL!? |
Totally surprising if one day Ive my own kids, starting my own family, and reading back this post how paranoid I was back when I was younger; thinking and considering my path in the future. Indefinite emotional struggles I had back when I was a teen, couldn't compared to the financial burden I'm gonna face in few years time, such temperamental thoughts in my head. Everyone did a reflection of what theyve gone through back in 2011, but I'm such a
Talking about reflections, I had mine written few nights before 2011 ends, now that I wonder where did it flew, perhaps to somewhere over the rainbow, that others would have treasure my piece of thought better than anyone else do.
2011 had been a pretty tough year for most of my circle of friends, we shared, we learnt, we teared, we broke our hearts, we picked 'em up, we outgrow our thoughts, we learn to see things, putting ourselves in other people's shoes, we rarely letting our guards down, and had the lowest point in life, when being let down by the closest ones around you is fairly a norm in my dictionary. Yet to express my own thoughts, I skimmed through my previous posts few years ago, I'm nowhere close to where I was before, but by all odds, a better person in my own preference. I quit putting myself to care for every single details, quit giving in to people that least deserve 'em, &quit crying myself to bed every night for feeling unappreciated. &that's all I need to manage my emotions &continue walking to another milestone to where I belong.
Christmas's Eve and NYE were one of the good parties Id attended throughout the year, despite the part getting wasted and KO on the bed till the next morning. And early this year, my Belleeenotbell turned TWENTY this year. This means that I would have more upcoming parties to go because I'll be celebrating Piggiepeggie's birthday soon as well. All the babies are burning a hole in my wallet but I'm glad that we are still back in Malaysia because I am berry sad that the closest friends in my small circle are leaving soon after February. I got to go repay some sleep debts!
*off topic but will be continued*
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| Christmas's eve with Piggypeggie |
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| The Peejay's gang during NYE |
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| Dory's signature pose |
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| Belleeenotbell's 20th birthday in Decanter, PJ. |
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| Sportsville, Jellyjasmine and Piggypeggie. |
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